WB

After all

I still love you.

Bib

Everything is a mess.

I understand it really is not possible right now.

I just love the thought of being loved and cared of, just that and nothing else more.

one must learn to love oneself before one can learn to love others.

I realize that letting you go is proper. 

Not because I am giving up on how I feel about you.

For now I’m choosing to love you from afar to save myself from further pain.

I like to think that our story isn't over just yet, that someday we’ll meet again and finally get it right.

When the right time comes… Maybe.

I know and hoping our paths will cross again somewhere, someday, later. 

You know I love you no matter what.

Goodbye for now.

Bib

i miss you

there’s nothing else

i could say

i just miss you

RIP

I want to write something about you but I don't know where or how to start. 

Maybe I just want to say Thank You for everything...

That's it.

DEKADA

Looking back, this decade has been the most challenging one, yet. I was forced so many times to step out of the zone that offered me the comfort that I've relied on heavily for so many years. 

Throughout this 10-year period, I have learned innumerable "valuable lessons" professionally and otherwise. The most important one, and this I will carry until my last breath: protect yourself at all times - from the people around you and most of all, from yourself remembering that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

I've made new friends or so I thought but to be fair some became real friends, some turned adversaries while others taught me how to play "poker" game cuz one fact of life is that: not every person who throws a smile at you is a friend. 

However, against the negativity that these undesirable people emit is a world of light that can overwhelm the weight within. Surrounding yourself with the "right people" is one of the various steps in having or maintaining a positive mental attitude. It's like this: no matter how darkness has totally engulfed a room you're in, it only takes one lighted candle to defeat it. Hope springs eternal.

If I can rewind this decade, I won't change a thing. Not one bit. So many blessings came along the way and I won't trade off all the things I knew and the lessons I learned.

Pieces of advice to myself in the next 10 years: stay the same, remain authentic, remain happy, be grateful, enjoy the ride, never ever skip gym and....

watch your back! 

Let's rock the new decade y'all! 

relationship

…is growing when every time you were hurt the more you become determined to love, 

despite imperfections, 

you accepted it with your whole heart – in trials, 

together you survive, 

in sufferings, 

defeated or not,

both of you will fight back and at the end of the day when you almost want to give up, 

you cannot, 

because you know it will torn you apart.

I MISS YOU

At the moment I have little thing to say, but this little means a lot.

Everything I feel now means nothing else that I am missing you.

I wish I could be with you,

Feel your breath close to mine,

See the sunshine through your eyes,

Feel the heat of your hand in my hand,

Hold your hands with the intertwined fingers,

I am longing for your skin and your sweet way of looking at me.

Kiss you passionately.

I miss kissing your hand.

I miss kissing your forehead.

I miss you face.

I miss your voice.

I hope my anguish won’t last too long and we can meet each other. 

Yes, very soon in our world.

Where just you and I live

I can’t wait anymore.

I miss you terribly.

US

This is a post that my brain tickling to write for months.

Just to break the confusions of what I am writing here in my blog.

No Kiss and Tell. I don't do that even if you are my best friend.
It's a private thingy.  Red flag when you are in a relationship... for me.

Sharing it briefly.

Spontaneously.

No erasures.

No proofread.

Just Stray thoughts.

Genuinely.

...That I've finally moved on with MAD.

That's why I keep posting here about it... to let him go completely.

I had enough.

Now I am free.

Exclusively attached with Yo.

Well for me, it's a hook line and sinker.  I don't  know about Yo.

We really never talk about US so much.

I know Yo is Preoccupied at work. Busy bee.

A lot of mundane things. So many lags... but I don't have issue with it.

Hmm. We had a little serious talks... I felt like he was testing me the way he asked about our future plans. I was not born yesterday.

He is not completely honest with me. I can sense that.

My intuition never fails me. Never.

Maybe I was wrong.

It's been more than a year. It's been 5 months ( yesterday to be exact ) that we became US.

And we never celebrate it. I was waiting for Yo to remember.

A little issue. It's a red flag for me.

One's best foot forward?

Yo, Are you really the one?

I really hope so.

I've been through a lot of heartaches, deception, unrequited love...

Oh blogosphere, I've never been vocal about my feelings like this.

I might end this post here.

Labuyo.

FROM MY JOURNAL, ALL ABOUT YOU.

Haven’t met you yet and knowing you by social media for several months is not easy.

It just likes a full moon drawing near the ocean to its highest tide level.

I wholeheartedly admit that I affectionately and passionately attracted to you.

So please listen, I sincerely, really, really, really mean this.

It gives me joy every time I'm thinking of our phone conversations and expressing my special and affectionate feelings through letters.

I deeply thank Him for the wonderful sight of our first conversations — your grace and beauty.

Your sincere smile during that time brightened my world. It offers me new meaning to live my life.

My evening dullness fades away each moment I was reading your thoughtful messages which always greet me good night.

From you I heard the sweetest voice like a morning bird's song praising and thanking Him for another day of our life's journey.

Your willingness to feel my love for you makes me hopeful, fulfilled and complete.

I will be the happiest one to live if I'll always be with you who teach me such love like this.

Finally I fervently pray Him for assistance to help me devote myself in selflessly loving you forvever.

You are the special solitary in my heart.

Even I have entered the friend zone.

M.A.D.

Hey You,

You will always be in my heart.

Love.
AMR

ILY

Why is it so hard to say I love you?

for the first time.

IT FEELS LIKE ANY OTHER TIME TRAVEL

It feels like any other time travel.

You get back on your feet. Feel your limbs get back to work, your body warming up and wonder where you are. And where your clothes are.

And then, you feel the rush of cold wind greet your face. You clasp both your arms because the cold is too much. A tear traces it's way to your cheek down to the side of your lips. Your eyesight clouded. The more fear you feel.

`Where am I?` is the least you could spare your intellect. A question would be the most logical and only thing you could think of right now. You just have to accept it. You're lost. Somehow.

`How did I get here?` more questions.

The saddest part of traveling through time is that you never know where you might end up, or how did you end up being there. It's a fascination with people like me how you cope up with being random. Then it hits me.

I examine my nakedness and try to give a guesstimate of where in time I've been hurled to. Scars, facial hair, eye bags, penis size. I'm somewhere in my mid-thirties. I haven't had the knee scar yet.

I spread my arms, lifting my face up in the cloudless afternoon sky and feel the energy of youth. I am young again.

And I am restless again.

The thoughts came rushing in as the continual cold scamper through my skin getting in, longing for my insides, longing to infect it with the cold.
I am young.
I am restless.
I am energetic.
I am cold.
I am lost.

Then as if time strips me of wisdom, that I acquired through those excruciating hurdles of life, I don't know what I want. I am still standing here in the middle of nowhere, mosquitoes feasting on my blood. I am still standing here but I cannot find myself anymore.

Again.

I thought it was just my stomach complaining. A grumble in the middle of this juvenile flexible body. Starvation. But no. As I instinctively clutched my center, the hole pulled me in, turning me inside out. Then I feel for the floor.

It feels like any other time travel.

You get back on your feet.

Feel your limbs get back to work, your body warming up and wonder where you are.

And where your clothes are.

You decided long ago not to keep track of time.

There is no right time anyway.

TRAPPED

Like a leaf floating on the waters,
I found myself in the middle of nowhere
Lost, rattled, fearful
Even though the waters cradled me in its calmness,
Still, I'm searching for the place
where I once belonged...
where I should really be till eternity..

M.A.D.

Hey You,

I still can't stop thinking about you.

Love,
AMR

LOVE, SIMON

Simon and The Homo Sapiens Agenda
by Becky Albertalli

I was planning to post this right after I watch the movie adaptation #LoveSimon but I can’t wait and help myself sharing it…

This book was amazing!
It is quirky, endearing, funny, and better yet, honest and real to how it feels to be gay.

All I can say is that this is not a book to miss, and I honestly loved it. No matter your sexual identity, this is an awesomely cute story that should be shared and loved.

I can’t wait to see the movie!

Plus I want that #ElliotSmith T-Shirt!

ARE YOU THE ONE?

my blinded eyes failed to see

the essence of your love for me

my closed heart didn't bother to feel

the sweetness of your touch so real

my ears didn't find time to hear

your melody so lovely and sincere

for my eyes were fixed on the false beauty I adored

my heart was beating for the mask of silver and gold

my ears only listened to deceitful words that settled my mood

and left your truthful words misunderstood

I seriously pondered on a hopeless love

and later on landed like a wounded dove

I don’t want to be killed in regrets

for me to realize that maybe

you're the real treasure in disguise.

FROM HIM, R.

I never thought what to expect
It was humid gloomy night
I was scared and excited
Out of the darkness
I saw you standing
You smiled and said hello
Your fair skin shined
Your warmed welcome had calmed me

I just can't keep my eyes off you
Like I want to get to know you
During our warm up
I heard your banters with your friend
I'm so glad to hear that you had three past relationship
To which we both play for the same team

As we paddle in the warm salty water
Your smell had just charmed me
I was impressed with your muscular sturdy legs
I had to level up my strokes to keep up with you
Coz I don't want you to think of me as a weak newbie

During our photo op
I try to keep my position as close to you
Then, you put your hand around me
I try to keep it nonchalant

It took me hours to find your profile
And when I found it
My first message to you was

I think I found - Yo

MAYBE

I want to cry on your shoulders
I want to shed all my tears
I want to cry my heart out
Knowing that I’m only just your maybe

Why do we have to start over
When yesterday’s seem alright
Wish we could do those things again
Please let’s keep our love alive

Why do you have to keep it for so long
You hurt me most in my lowest times
Yet nothing I can do but sigh
and let you go even if I cry

I miss you and I still love you
I die slowly with this agony
Much more when I could see
your loving eyes staring at me

I'm sorry...for this feeling
It may be so hard to let it go
But I think apart of me
will always be waiting for you

NAGHIHINTAY SAYO

Paano ko nga ba sisimulan

Paano ko nga ba matatanggap

Na hindi na tayo nag-uusap

Gusto pa kitang mayakap

Gusto pa kitang makausap

Gusto pa kitang makasama

Pero ang sakit…

Ang sakit na wala akong magawa

Ang sakit na wala na akong halaga

Ang sakit na naghihintay lang ako

At umaasa …

Umaasa na baka sakaling meron pa

Umaasa na baka sakaling makayap pa

Umaasa na baka sakaling pwede pa

Na maibalik …

Maibalik ang meron tayo noon

Maibalik ang mga kwentuhan

Maibalik ang mga masasayang alaala

Na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin malimutan

Pero andito pa rin ako para sayo 

kahit masakit, andito lang ako

…Naghihintay sayo

THE STORYTELLER

Two months ago while listening to M’s Poland trip over Skype, I was lying in bed wondering why the place was so familiar. I was like experiencing déjà vu of a place or situation I have never encountered. It gave me the chills when M showed me the pictures. Then I remembered The Storyteller.

Reading books can really take you places you have never been. This is one of those books that will stick with you for a long time. It’s so easy to get consumed in the story and start developing a relationship with the characters.

The story begins with a baker who befriends with a camp supervisor at Auschwitz and later reveals a startling connection with baker’s grandmother who survives Auschwitz and tells the horrors she endured during the Holocaust. It’s a historical fiction exploring the Holocaust, not a new topic to most of us, yet it was a thought provoking book with so many layers of events and people. It’s a story about forgiveness, identity, and justice.

...what he did was wrong. He doesn’t deserve your love. But he does deserve your forgiveness, because otherwise he will grow like a weed in your heart until it’s choked and overrun. The only person who suffers, when you squirrel away all that hate is you...

Forgiving isn’t something you do for someone else. It’s something you do for yourself. It’s saying, ‘You’re not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.’ It’s saying, ‘You don’t get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future. I’m moving on to peace and happiness.

The Storyteller asks how can we--and should we--forgive the unforgivable, and it comes up with the answer that we can’t forgive, but we can hold accountable, that when we forgive we do it for ourselves, not for the other person, which seems to me the right response.

“It doesn’t matter what it is that leaves a hole inside you. It just matters that it’s there.”

The expense of forgiveness is not your dignity. So often we think that we must forgive, and that means we must get rid of our boundaries and let the forgiven one back in the same spot. That is not forgiveness, that's being a spineless person.

Forgiveness does not impede having boundaries and protecting yourself. Even when you forgive another person, you always keep yourself complete. You don't ever give up your individuality, your sensitivity, your self-respect for anything.

Yes, forgive, but keep yourself safe from being lessened, degraded or diminished in the future. Forgive, but keep your voice. Keep demanding what you need and requiring respectful treatment. Forgive, but don't be afraid to do so at a distance.

You have to forgive if you want to be forgiven.

AT THE MOMENT

SADNESS

the sun slowly drifted away
the moon proudly
ruled and stayed

BROKEN

the sand castle's beauty
alluring as it can be
conquered by huge waves

GOODBYES

leaves are turning dry
yet to the tree they cling still
not wanting to fall

LET GO

Let it go.

It's very liberating to do so.

Whether we like it or not, life is one continuous journey of letting go. We have a tendency to try to hold on to everything that we have - the perfect relationship, our youth, our possessions - the list goes on. But life has a remarkable habit of taking away that which we may treasure at the time.

I breathe deeply. I inhale the delicious fragrance of the present moment. I remind myself with my thoughts that there is no better place to be than the one I am in right now. I spend as much time as I can outside in nature. There is something timeless and nourishing about the kiss of the sun on my skin and the song of the birds in my heart.

Live in present time, love people you know, appreaciate things around you, but don't get attached to anything because every good things must come to an end.

Knowing that, no matter what happens, all is well.

#DRAGONWARRIORSDUBAI

Riding the waves, unperturbed by the howling wind and even beating the heat of the sun, the dragon conquers the water and forces through to reach its destination such as dragon boating. It’s a team water sport that originated in China around 2500 years ago on the banks of Yangtze River and in modern times developed in East Asia and worldwide as a competitive sports. Twenty two people, one boat, with one aim. Each member on the boat personifies the spirit of the dragon and it’s the same spirit that runs through Dragon Warriors.

The Dragon Warriors are a Dubai-UAE-based paddle club. Being one of the oldest clubs in the local dragon boating scene, founded in 2010 by Nerza Del-Rosario Manalastas, the former Philippine Dragon Boat National Team Co-Captain. Growing from strength to strength over the last 6 years as a competitive club, participated in competitive races such as Shangri-La Abu Dhabi Dragon Boat Festival, Dubai Marina Dragon Boat Race, Dubai Creek Dragon Boat Festival, and IDBF Club Crew World Championships semi-annually, with a couple of medals to our honor. The team is a diverse crew made up of people from all walks of life, different nationalities, who are looking to stay active, push their limits, and always up for a challenge to be better, competitive without losing sight of how to have fun, as well as introducing others to the sport of Dragon Boat Racing.

Dragon Boat training develops core strength, endurance, coordination and team spirit. Training sessions are essential for paddling development. There is a reason we have the saying, “Practice makes perfect.” Paddling, like most things in life, doesn’t improve without practice. Training is what takes us to a higher level.

Dragon Boat Training is held three times weekly on the Dubai Creek Yacht Club. Monday & Wednesday – 730PM and Friday – 530PM.

Land Training is held weekly in the Zaabel Park.  Fitness is an important aspect to Dragon Boating and is highly encouraged.

Safety is extremely important to the team and strive to meet all associate regulations. All practice sessions are conducted by an experienced coach and new members are given a safety briefing before going out on the water.

What to bring?  One of the most frequent questions asked. So, what should you wear/ bring to Dragon Boat? Clothes you don’t mind getting wet, flip flop or water shoes and bottle of water.

Dragon Warriors Dubai are now eyeing the October 27-28, 2017 Dragon Boat Competition in Abu Dhabi and December 8 – 9, 2017 Dubai Marina Dragon Boat Race, where they will go up against 30 veteran teams at the waters off Shangri-La Hotel and Dubai Marina.

Experience it for yourself! Come and paddle with Dragon Warriors Dubai. The team’s goal is to provide a competitive atmosphere through hard work and commitment while keeping the environment fun.

If you are interested, please contact +97152963960 / +971503119331 for additional information.

Make a connection. Interact with DWD through social media.

Facebook :  facebook.com/dragonwarriorsdubai
Twitter : @dragon_warriors_dxb
Instagram : @dragon_warriors_dxb
Website : http://www.dragonwarriorsdubai.com/

THIRTY-FOUR LIFE LESSONS

It was my 34th birthday yesterday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!  As I look back at how fast time passes, I am surprised at how much can change in a matter of a year. I think we go through cycles of change, when the complete unanticipated tosses you off your stability, giving you the opportunity to reassess and make things right. This past year was one of those cycles for me and slowly but surely the pieces that were thrown up in the air are falling into place.

At a time of reflection, I’d like to share with you some of the things I have learned.

1. Everyday should be a celebration of your life.
2. Always be willing to admit that you don't have all the answers.
3. Endings are just new beginnings in disguise. You may be uncomfortable with the uncertainty, but some of the best things in life are born from those times of being open to new opportunities.
4. I know now when to distance myself.
5. Learn to be patient.
6. It really is never too late to be what you might have been.
7. Once you feel you are avoided by someone, never disturb them again.
8. You will have your heart broken, and you will survive.
9. People you love will hurt you and disappoint you. Try to look beyond their mistakes and understand their intentions. Sometimes a friendship just needs time to breathe before it can flow again. And that’s okay, too.
10. Learn to forgive.
11. Love should never be complicated, but it is.
12. Be selective of who you share your heart and body with.
13. Take care of your body.
14. Procrastination can sometimes be disastrous.
15. Make that move you've been waiting to make. There's no need to be timid. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. If not, you saved yourself time.
16. When it doesn’t work out with someone in the present, it’s because it’s meant to work out with someone else in the future.
17. There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, split on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.
18. Learn to make peace with uncomfortable feelings.
19. It takes so much inner strength and courage to make a decision to let somebody go, to set them free. I think it's one of the hardest things to do in life.
20. It's okay to make mistakes but learn from it.
21. A little bit of fun is okay. Try not to take life too seriously. Live your life. Laugh often. 
22. If you work hard mainly to impress people, you will hardly find happiness from it. Work for yourself. Impress yourself. All is about you.
23. If you have the power to make someone happy- do it. The world needs more of that.
24. Money can’t buy happiness but Experience does.
25. It’s okay not to be okay.
26. Best conversations you will ever have, are the one without boundaries.
27. You don’t take communication for granted.
28. I’m better off without Facebook and Instagram.
29. Less TV, more books.
30. Never, ever stop learning.
31. Love yourself more.
32. Appreciate yourself more.
33. Look for beauty in everything.
34. Let God be the center of your life.

EVERYTHING I NEVER TOLD YOU

“Everything I Never Told You”  by  Celeste Ng was moving, beautiful, heart-breaking, and at times unbelievable, but yes, what you see with the Lee family, really does happen and their stories need to be told.

Celeste Ng is a masterful writer. Her words paint pictures of real people suffering from interesting problems that many readers will relate to. I was drawn into the lives of the five members of this family as if they were my own relatives. The best part of the book is the exquisite writing. The word pictures are stunning and revealing of the character of the people whose lives unfold in this wonderful novel.

The book starts off with the family’s daughter, Lydia, is declared dead (this is from the first sentence, so don’t worry, no spoiler) and her family deals with her death in different ways. Each of her family suffers some kind of identity crisis. Through flashbacks and multiple perspectives, each characters, reveal their motivations and the scars perpetrated on each of them as a result of feeling like outsiders in a world that doesn't accept biracial marriages. What Celeste Ng does so well is make the characters' revelations unfold like a mystery leading to wonder if Lydia was murdered, committed suicide, or had an accident.

This is a great read. There was a feeling of anticipation of what is felt to be good experience and will hold its readers captive from the first to last sentence.

S U R A T

This is a post I've been itching to write from the time I got my own SURAT products, an advance birthday present from a friend. To my friend – I’m so sorry Thank you so much!, Maraming Maraming Salamat & Thank you for introducing  #SuratJournals. I was actually surprised with the care package that I received. The smell of genuine leather hit the moment I unwrapped the brown paper carrier, super-duper-excited-unboxing-moment – I just love the smell of leather. I myself am a great fan of leather: handmade leather, old school looking handmade and things with personal touch (touch of love)...

Skipping the backstories, I received a lot of things: a long wallet, two card holders (one that has two credit/business card slots and the other one has four), passport holder and my personal favorite is the “journal” (the flagship product of  #SuratJournals).  I have been a keen journaler (if there is such a word) ever since childhood, I’ve been interested in writing and sketching, so, receiving a journal as a gift is overwhelming. Again, Thank you! You know who you are. =P

The word “Surat” is used in Indonesian means  write, letter or mail (thanks to google translate, to Arum, too, an Indonesian friend of mine, Hahaha – I also asked and get the confirmation from the owner itself). So, it makes sense, right?! =)

#SuratJournals Artisan leather products, handmade in Philippines, creatively designed and owned by Kenneth Surat.

a look inside my journal...

The leather is incredibly soft and flexible. The covers have been beautifully done; they aren't roughly cut. Be that as it may, the leather is not over-finished but that totally didn't bother me (perfectly imperfect ika nga). It has an uneven and rustic look that I like, leaving some marks such as small scratches, spots, and blotches. The scrapes just added to the highly vintage feels.

The bindings along the spine were relatively secure, stitched with waxed thread and not cheaply done at all (kumbaga hindi basta-basta minadaling ginawa) though, there are some pages, hirap ako sulatan – maybe it’s just me. Each of those bindings is what holds the sections of paper together, inside. The strap used to wrap around the journal and close it up, just as soft and supple as the rest of the journal's outer shells.

The paper are made from finely crafted recycled paper. Old-style paper just like it was back in the old times, softer feel and easy to write on. It has four bundles of blank paper that were bound into it. I don’t know how many pages but one thing is for sure it’s not enuf for expressing your innermost thoughts and feelings to fill those blank pages.

This isn't just a leather products that you should be afraid to get scuffed or toss in your bag unprotected. It's going to look even better as it shows its age.

I'm fascinated and impressed. #SuratJournals makes excellent leather journals at a sensible price. It all comes down to whether the style fits your personal preference. Super thanks to Kenneth Surat for creating these gorgeous journals and the other products as well.

Disclaimer: I was not compensated for this review. I just love the products! Kenneth Surat, Alam mo na ha! Hahaha

OWN A #SuratJournals NOW =)

Receiving gift from someone is one of the best moment of life for everyone. It’s just kind of way to express our feelings. Act of gift giving inspires and admire to bring the friendship or closeness in relations. So, it’s only not important to receive a gift, but it’s also foremost fact that the person who gives the gift is important for us.

So, if you are looking for a special gift, for yourself, or a surprise to your friends or loved ones, then you're in the right place! #SuratJournals is a PERFECT GIFT. No Charrots!

Record all of your thoughts, ideas, sketches and travelogues in this handmade leather journal.

OWN A  #SuratJournals NOW!

If you need further information, please check and contact #SuratJournals , just click the links below , and he will be happy to help you further.

LIKE #SuratJournals on FACEBOOK
FOLLOW #SuratJournals on INSTAGRAM

E N Z O

First I would like to thank the person who is very special to me and always hold a special place in my heart by recommending this book, Thank you! When I have received the book, which I ordered from Borders Bookstore a month ago – the book cover caught my eye right away. It showed a dog peeking over the bottom on a blue background, with the title reading “The Art of Racing in the Rain.” I wasn’t quite sure how a dog and racing related to one another but — once I brought the novel up to the counter and walked out the door — I looked forward to finding out.

The Art of Racing in the Rain is a masterpiece of contemporary fiction. It makes you go through all the emotions in this book, from extreme sadness, to anger, to happiness and sometimes make you laugh out loud. It’s also a very tuff book to read if you have a dog because of all of the sad moments that really relate to you. There are so many real life things in this book such as cancer, lawsuits and just plain old friendships. It really makes you think about what is important in life and if one thing is worth losing over another.

that's our dog "Misty'

I loved this book; and I love the person recommended this book in fact I have to say, after finishing this book it was probably one of my favorites. I found it to be profoundly philosophical (also a very philosophical person), and deep. Yes, it had a dog as a narrator, but to me, that made it all the more charming. Through the perspective of a dog, Enzo, Garth Stein brilliantly reveals the beauty and cruelty of human life, the love within true friendship, the trials of an ever-changing family, and the wisdom that lies within car racing. I know nothing about racing, yet found the racing segments to be analogies related to real life, if one looked at them in that way. I never got bored with the racing segments.

I felt Enzo was a wonderful character, and felt the book was different. I have adapted many of the quotes to use in my own life.

My favorite is: "That which we manifest is before us." That quote is so true. "Your car goes where your eyes go" is just another way to say, "that which we manifest is before us." 

This quote actually comes from Denny’s time on the race track and becoming an excellent driver. He always talks about the significance of taking the car where the eyes go, being in the moment and positively not overthinking. While the quote is associated to racing, it’s more a reflection of life. It says that we are the creators of our own destiny, if we have the audacity to do so. That if we believe this and follow the lives we picture for ourselves, the fates that we dream of for ourselves will manifest before us. We are the controllers of our end result.

There are many more quotes I wish I could share with you, but I’ll let you discover them for yourself. Enzo, an amazing dog, but dog nonetheless, this old soul of a dog has much to teach us about being human. One thing is definitely for sure, though. You won’t regret picking up this book, and I guarantee you’ll have a hard time putting it down until the very end.

S E C R E T S

It’s been a while since I started sharing a personal stuff and I kind of miss writing here online about it, after I’ve done loads reading or so I hope. What drives me to write again – something personal is my being the secret-keeper to some of my friends, mostly girls.

When I was on my freshman years, my classmates would always share their secret crushes, secret boyfriends, and some problems which they found me to be their confidante. Even when I was in university, some new friends did share the same thoughts, issues and secrets to me. I never complained or even criticized them. But what I realize, after hearing all their secrets, is the thought that not a secret did I hear that someone has a crush on me or someone liked me. I pitied myself but I keep on reminding myself not to because I consider it as a gift. It’s a gift to gain one's trust. It’s a gift to console someone who's in trouble by just listening and also give a piece of advice.

I never thought that after so many years of being their unpaid counselor/adviser, I still am consulted for the same topic. What differs is that some of my friends now are already married having an affair with other married men.

What a secret indeed.

SING YOU HOME

 

Zoe Baxter and her husband, Max, desperately wanted a child, but couldn’t because of Max’s genetic problems. They started doing in vitro and three embryos were created. After several miscarriages, Zoe had finally become pregnant. She was very depressed when she found out that it was a stillbirth. Soon after, Max and Zoe divorced, as Max didn’t want Zoe to pressure him into trying for another baby. When Zoe met Vanessa, an openly lesbian, she was slowly pulled out of despair as their friendship accelerated into love. They married and Vanessa suggested that she could carry one of her embryos. Zoe agreed and she asked Max for the permission to give her the frozen embryos. But instead, Max, now a born-again Christian, sued her for the rights to these pre-born children.

In humanities, we were just learning about human rights and in this book, a lot of things surrounded gay-rights. No one should be discriminated against because of their race, and so of course no one should be discriminated against their sexual orientation. Your sexual orientation isn’t something you can choose, you are just born this way, so why is it that gays should have less rights than heterosexuals?

In the book, the Christians considered “engaging” in a homosexual lifestyle as a sin, and that they are not fit for marriage, for raising children, that they should not deserve these simple rights that everyone else have. No one will ever want to be a homosexual, and certainly will not “engage” in one’s lifestyle.

Why will anyone want to be gay, and be criticized and judged at when you are just going out for a walk, holding hands with your boyfriend. But that doesn’t make them a worse person, just like being heterosexual doesn’t make you a better person. They can still provide love for their children; they can still sustain a relationship.

Homosexuals are just the same as anyone else, and they have the right to happiness, they have the right to express their feelings, they have the right to a family.

Even though our society is slowly accepting homosexuals, there’s still a lot of discrimination relating to sexual orientations. We need to try and open up our minds toward the things that are different from the norm. Just like what the book says, “You can’t choose who you love.”

S I N G L E

Enough about books, let's talk about me, something personal, about singleness.

I wonder if I am meant to be with someone I can share the rest of my life with. I kept myself busy with work-reading-exercise. I forgot to date even though someone asks me to. I become oblivious of the fact that I desperately need someone to hold hands with. I can’t remember the last time I kissed or have been kissed. Charrot! My mother constantly urge me to have a baby or to get married, though she knows what my preference is. She has never really dealt with or spoken about my sexuality.

How can I tell them that my chance of getting married is hanging at the edge of a cliff?

Later I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, and those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love, well, that’s just fabulous. Thank you for that quote, Carrie!

However, part of me has always felt that life has no real meaning until you get to share it with somebody. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of: my life finally taking meaning or suddenly becoming void of it.

Maybe I’ll share my life with somebody… maybe not.

But the truth is when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

Why you are so elusive?

K A L A N I T H I

Paul Kalanithi When Breath Becomes Air was possibly one of the most profound and heart-breaking autobiographies I have read.

Talking about death, reading about dying, writing about it, is not easy.  As a doctor, Paul Kalanithi was confronted with death constantly, and reading his narrative history are jarring; the cases he’s dealt with are at times disturbing. The man is a saint for doing what he did for so many years. He’s the doctor you’d wish you could have when, or if, you need it.

Through this book Paul Kalanithi proves that he is more than just a talented surgeon. He is an exceptionally talented writer. His words are deep, philosophical, and penetrating, showing the world from his perspective in a way that is full of honesty and perplexity. He spent his life searching for a deeper meaning, both figuratively and literally, through the study of scripture and literature and the study and practice of medicine.

“I was driven less by achievement than by trying to understand, in earnest: What makes human life meaningful? I still felt literature provided the best account of the life of the mind, while neuroscience laid down the most elegant rules of the brain” 

This is a powerful and moving book but is not for the squeamish. He writes reliably about his time as a medical student, and later as a neurosurgeon. He tells about the first cadaver he ever worked on, the studying of organs. He describes what was left inside the stomachs of those who died before their last meals, pills, were digested. He says that many medical students change their course of study by about their fourth year of medical school, would rather to work in lifestyle areas such as radiology. But Paul Kalanithi chose neurosurgery. 


Death is inevitable, but when will we die?

With no way of knowing how much time he had left, Paul Kalanithi was at a loss for how to spend what very valuable time he had. His doctors had no way of providing him a solid time frame because it was impossible to determine how his cancer would change with various treatment plans. His wife Lucy had recently given birth to their daughter, who brought new life and happiness to their lives and the lives of their families.

Paul Kalanithi eventually spent his last days in writing. Once they learned that his cancer had spread to his brain, it was all a matter of writing as much as he could as fast as he could while he still kept the mental clarity to do so.

“This book carries the urgency of racing against time, of having important things to say. Paul confronted death – examined it, wrestled with it, accepted it – as a physician and a patient. He wanted to help people understand death and face their mortality. Dying in one’s fourth decade is unusual now, but dying is not”

Death is not, in fact, unusual. It is the abruptness of being faced with it when we least expect it that is hardest to understand. And yet, Paul Kalanithi faced his death with strength.

Paul Kalanithi has given so much of himself in this book, he’s encouraged us to live meaningfully, and that we can effectively conquer the fear of death. There is nothing that can surmise this memoir better than his words himself.



Read More Reviews:

My Name is Lucy Barton - Elizabeth Strout
My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult
American Gods - Neil Gaiman
House Rules - Jodi Picoult

LUCY BARTON

I just finished reading My Name is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout – yesterday, which had only taken me about three hours ( I am not a skimmer, but a careful reader). Second book for this month – July.

I think My Name is Lucy Barton is not a novel  –  that was short, but rather a short story that was long. I was like wish-there-was-more-story-to-tell, but Elizabeth Strout creates a unified story – about love: about the complicated, complex love between a mother-daughter relationship. Sparse, grows on one as you read, but it is perfect for Lucy, who struggles to speak the unspeakable, both aloud and in her writing.

Lonely was the first flavor I had tasted in my life, and it was always there, hidden inside the crevices of my mouth, reminding me.

Lucy carries a deep loneliness throughout life. A loneliness that stems from a childhood in a home where poverty was so fundamental that it overshadowed both love and goodness.

Can you call such a family dysfunctional?

The extent to which one can give their children a safe and loving childhood – full of joy – when the threat of hunger and homelessness are banging on the door every night?

To what extent affect our childhood, our choices later in life?

Brilliant storytelling. Lucy delivers a personal and refreshing narration. The language is beautiful. The story is infused with suggestive and aptly remarks about life and the relationship between humans themselves.

I have mixed emotions in recommending this book. I don’t know.

MY SISTER'S KEEPER

I think cancer has affected us all – one way or another.

My mother is a cancer survivor. My father was diagnosed with liver cancer in 2013. We took him to treatment but he was at stage 4, so it was nearly impossible to get rid of the cancer. My father died December 12th 2014. He was 65.

I'll never forget that day. I basically saw my father take his last breath in front of me, holding his right hand and within seconds, he was gone. He died in his own bed, I was sitting beside him – alone. Watching someone you love suffer – die is not just painful. It takes everything out of you.  I thought My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult would be an interesting book that I could connect to personally.

Intense. My Sister’s Keeper is a poignant, thought-provoking, heart breaking and a compelling story about the Fitzgerald’s family. Kate has been diagnosed with leukemia at a young age. Her younger sister, Anna, was designed to be a perfect genetic match for Kate, and has been through numerous medical procedures as Kate’s donor to keep her alive. The story kicks off with a nice dramatic lawsuit, in which Anna files for medical emancipation against her parents.

No, I won’t spoil the whole story or the ending for you.

I’m flabbergasted with how this book is written. I feel a stirring of curiosity and I literally can't put it down! I've been reading it every spare second I have! Most of the chapters have a cliffhanger-ending, which makes me want to continue to read and read. It conveys the emotions of any family dealing with cancer, which is something I can simply relate to, which makes it even more interesting for me.

All the characters in the book are doing some soul-searching. Jodi Picoult has allowed the reader to read the six main character’s thoughts and feelings about every situation and predicament that comes their way.

One of my favorite characters was Jesse – wanting to live his own life – away from family drama. I adored his happy-go-lucky-troubled, I-don’t-care-if-I-get-in-trouble attitude. Although Jesse didn’t follow the right road in life, still, he cared deeply for his two sisters.

I also enjoyed the character of Campbell, the lawyer Anna hires. There was a great sense of mystery – intriguingly as he never told the real reason why he has a service dog. Plus, his relationship with Julia gave him more depth as a character.

At the end of the book, you realize that in life; there are no easy choices, or even right answers. There isn’t one person who can be judged for what they think is moral or ethical, or even justifiable. Sometimes you don’t know what the right thing is but as a mother, as a doctor and even as a sibling, you do what you think is right for you and for everyone else.

Through this novel, Jodi Picoult was not only able to capture all the emotions experienced by the characters but it speaks deep truths about life, family and selfless love.

AMERICAN GODS

Neil Gaiman's American Gods This is one of those books that you simply cannot read in one sitting; there’s simply too many layers to take in, to think over, to enjoy it to the full.

It took me two months, almost, of reading to finally complete the book, not because I found anything undesirable, but because there was this assumption that somewhere, hidden in those pages, all the secrets of the universe waited to be discovered.

I know. It’s senseless to think a fictional tale about gods would hold the answers to everything, but that’s exactly how it felt at times. The work of a master wordsmith or… maybe the work of a guardian who holds the universe’s mysteries?

It’s hard to separate the two ideas when it comes to the author. Then again, perhaps the two ideas aren’t mutually exclusive.

This book, which traces on a variety of subjects, is possibly one of the greatest literary work of art of the modern era. It is relevant, contemporary, somewhat relatable, and it delves into the human mind on more than one occasion.

Yes, some may find the work difficult to understand, or struggle to see past the religious figures who grace the pages of American Gods, but there is something incredibly important about the story.

But American Gods isn’t for everyone. I guess.

Over all, it's an EPIC novel.

And I am so excited to watch the TV series adaptation of the book.

DEAR AMR,

I know, I know how much life sucks right now.

Don’t overthink it. If it seems wrong, runaway. Your gut is usually right.
Except when it comes to sweets. Maybe resist some of those.

Promise to treasure your time.  Don’t fall in love with potential.

Don’t get too attached. They always leave eventually.
Don't force someone to make time for you. If they really want to, they will.
Don't waste your time with someone who only wants you around when it's convenient for them.

Know your self-worth, and move on if you must.

Remember that just because you want it, doesn’t mean it deserves to have you.
Be patient, but don’t procrastinate. Be hopeful, but not naive.
When it’s right, you’ll know. You don’t have to force it.

You are wonderful, strong, loved, smart and special. Always remember that.

I know things get tough, and I know you’re capable of so many great things.
I just hope you took the leap to get there.
I hope you still love yourself.
But most importantly, I hope you’re happy.

I know it sounds cliche. I just thought I would remind you.

Love,
AMR

What People See, and What They Don’t

People see what they want to see
and are blind to what they don’t.
Often I think what makes us men
is the capacity to make shallow judgments
without cognitive basis,
without ethics.

People hear what they think should be heard
and are deaf to opposing thoughts,
It is this trait that makes us cannibals,
to each others’ flesh.
without choice cuts,
without concern.

People touch only what they think they can,
and are abhorred by those they can’t.
I believe this makes us civilized.
calling those that conform
normal, and those that aren’t as ab-,
without consideration,
without fail.

W A L K A W A Y

He cried. He is crying. He will cry.

Talking to himself during stressful moments became helpful. He would always recite his mantra to help him soothe his mood. "I am my own captain. I am my own captain." He also shared his thoughts with his pillows, who were so sympathetic that they let him punch them when he couldn't control his anger anymore. All of a sudden, he was alone in the world. And all the things he used to know, all the things he used to have, are now walking away from him. Those ungrateful things never looked back. They just walked away. 

He never wanted to be alone. It was like suicide to live his complicated life with only himself and lifeless plump pillows to talk to. He used to be the happiest person in the world, laughing over simple things and smiling every time he wakes up. He used to have that unique glow that was very contagious and he made everyone so cheerful. But now he was enveloped with gloom, sulking inside his room whenever he is idle. His world seemed to stop revolving, as if his orbit had a clot and he didn't know where to go anymore.

He told himself that it will all get better in time. Yes, he will wait for fresh wounds to heal again. And he will wait for his world to find a new orbit, a new solar system, a new galaxy. Will the things walk back to him again? He didn't care. He will wait for new things to come. And he will embrace these things with open arms. He will embrace them tight enough to keep them secure but loose enough for them to have their own space to grow. And if time comes that these new things wanted to walk away too, he was now ready to let go. There may be wounds, but old scars will make him stronger.

M E M A

Today highlights on life's full circles: sometimes you end up right at that spot where you started.

How and why it all happened will perhaps remain to be a mystery, but the journey of "getting there" can only encourage us to press on, or just simply give up in defeat.

Life's choices is like the caveat  where the "promo is valid only while supplies last". And it did not last long enough for me.

Maybe next time.

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for...”

True, but I think I have lost for good, my trust and faith in the goodness of man.

Strong words, but time and again, I hit a bump on the road because of wanting to do good, and worse I get criticized and penalized because I did "wrong".

Some people think I am an idealist and difficult but I am human too capable of anger, hurt, rage, as much as they have their own imperfections too (which actually caused the anger, hurt, rage).

My time amidst the solitude of the mountains and the sky is long overdue.

A month in the forest might help.

Or do a run like Forrest Gump (minus the ugly beard after coming out of his hiatus).