Thursday, May 11, 2017


He cried. He is crying. He will cry.

Talking to himself during stressful moments became helpful. He would always recite his mantra to help him soothe his mood. "I am my own captain. I am my own captain." He also shared his thoughts with his pillows, who were so sympathetic that they let him punch them when he couldn't control his anger anymore. All of a sudden, he was alone in the world. And all the things he used to know, all the things he used to have, are now walking away from him. Those ungrateful things never looked back. They just walked away. 

He never wanted to be alone. It was like suicide to live his complicated life with only himself and lifeless plump pillows to talk to. He used to be the happiest person in the world, laughing over simple things and smiling every time he wakes up. He used to have that unique glow that was very contagious and he made everyone so cheerful. But now he was enveloped with gloom, sulking inside his room whenever he is idle. His world seemed to stop revolving, as if his orbit had a clot and he didn't know where to go anymore.

He told himself that it will all get better in time. Yes, he will wait for fresh wounds to heal again. And he will wait for his world to find a new orbit, a new solar system, a new galaxy. Will the things walk back to him again? He didn't care. He will wait for new things to come. And he will embrace these things with open arms. He will embrace them tight enough to keep them secure but loose enough for them to have their own space to grow. And if time comes that these new things wanted to walk away too, he was now ready to let go. There may be wounds, but old scars will make him stronger.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017


Today highlights on life's full circles: sometimes you end up right at that spot where you started.

How and why it all happened will perhaps remain to be a mystery, but the journey of "getting there" can only encourage us to press on, or just simply give up in defeat.

Life's choices is like the caveat  where the "promo is valid only while supplies last". And it did not last long enough for me.

Maybe next time.

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for...”

True, but I think I have lost for good, my trust and faith in the goodness of man.

Strong words, but time and again, I hit a bump on the road because of wanting to do good, and worse I get criticized and penalized because I did "wrong".

Some people think I am an idealist and difficult but I am human too capable of anger, hurt, rage, as much as they have their own imperfections too (which actually caused the anger, hurt, rage).

My time amidst the solitude of the mountains and the sky is long overdue.

A month in the forest might help.

Or do a run like Forrest Gump (minus the ugly beard after coming out of his hiatus).