BABY STEPS

Certain events in the life of a friend and Nyl's latest blogpost -- have forced me to re-think the relationship I have with my father. My Dad and I are never close, not due to neglect or abuse or a poor upbringing.
On the contrary, my formative years and childhood was spent in relative comfort with much love and support from both of my parents.

However, as I grew up and the issues of depression and anti-social behavior began to manifest themselves in me, I started to isolate myself more and more from my family.

What didn't help was how different my Dad and I are from each other. He is much more like my brother-like sisters. He is very much a blue collar guy, likes to have fun, drink, smoke and most things I was not. I always felt like he was disappointed in me, even though he never said so and much of it was probably in my own head. It is always awkward for us to be alone together, never really saying anything to each other, just sitting in silence. We hardly ever talk about anything when we do manage, and then it's only small talk like the weather and the local sports team.

Realizing that people that you never really connected to could be gone in an instant, leaving you with no opportunity to ever fix things, prodded me to see if I could mend the awkward relationship with my Dad.

It is never too late though.

So I got up the courage, picked up the phone and called him tonight. I knew that nothing would be completely fixed with one phone call, and I didn't even intend to have a deep heart to heart anyway. I just called with the intention of saying Hi and seeing how he was doing. I figured that if I can start doing that more, the ice could be broken and subsequent conversations would follow.

I kept it light, but the important point was that I called. We talked for about 15 minutes and he did seem genuinely surprise yet pleased that I called talk to him and not just my Mom which I what usually happens.

I got over the hump, picked up the phone and started my small baby steps in that area.

I really want this to bear fruit, but I know that it will be slow going, mainly because of my own hang ups about opening up to people, even with my family.